loss.

Loss of feeling. Loss of what to do. Loss of a loved one.

It feels so wrong to come out and say it candidly, because it still feels so unreal. Like a dream, or perhaps a nightmare. Like maybe if I don't say it, it won't be true. But it is true and I have to say it. My grandma had a heart attack yesterday and passed away.

We were in a frozen yogurt shop when we got the call. I was enjoying the cold, sweet bites and the day off from school. My mom's phone rang and she picked it up. It was my uncle. My mother's reaction gave it away. "Oh my god," she'd said. "Oh my god." I knew something was wrong and I guessed what had happened.

She hung up and told us.

I stared at the yogurt in my bowl. It suddenly looked so disgusting and I didn't feel like eating at all. I felt my breath quiver, my eyes widen as the tears began to fall. I ran to the bathroom and splashed water in my face, like they do in the movies. All my memories were swirling around in my head and it felt like a dream.

I didn't want to cry, not in front of everyone. I felt terribly weak crying and running away. But that's what I did. I didn't know how to deal with situations like that because I'd never done before, and I honestly never thought I'd have to.

When I got home I laid in bed with my earphones in my ears, rocking myself and listening to my sad music playlist. My throat hurt. I could barely breathe. Tears were still coming down and my face was red. I cried until I forgot why I was crying.

And then I wrote this, because if I couldn't breathe, writing was the next best thing. And I knew I would have to face it sometime. So I did. I'm sorry if this is too lengthy or boring or depressing. I'm upset but I'm going to try and find something to smile about, because that's my word for this year, my motto, my mantra. Life will go on, and her spirit and memory will live on. And everything will be okay.

~Starr

P.S. My blog apparently hates scheduled posts. I wrote this yesterday (Monday) and scheduled it for today around noon because I didn't want two posts in one day, but it didn't post. That's the second time something like that's happened. D:

P.P.S. I leave for the funeral tomorrow and will be gone until Sunday. I will try to post again before then but if not...you know where I am.