Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Loss of feeling. Loss of what to do. Loss of a loved one.

It feels so wrong to come out and say it candidly, because it still feels so unreal. Like a dream, or perhaps a nightmare. Like maybe if I don't say it, it won't be true. But it is true and I have to say it. My grandma had a heart attack yesterday and passed away.

We were in a frozen yogurt shop when we got the call. I was enjoying the cold, sweet bites and the day off from school. My mom's phone rang and she picked it up. It was my uncle. My mother's reaction gave it away. "Oh my god," she'd said. "Oh my god." I knew something was wrong and I guessed what had happened.

She hung up and told us.

I stared at the yogurt in my bowl. It suddenly looked so disgusting and I didn't feel like eating at all. I felt my breath quiver, my eyes widen as the tears began to fall. I ran to the bathroom and splashed water in my face, like they do in the movies. All my memories were swirling around in my head and it felt like a dream.

I didn't want to cry, not in front of everyone. I felt terribly weak crying and running away. But that's what I did. I didn't know how to deal with situations like that because I'd never done before, and I honestly never thought I'd have to.

When I got home I laid in bed with my earphones in my ears, rocking myself and listening to my sad music playlist. My throat hurt. I could barely breathe. Tears were still coming down and my face was red. I cried until I forgot why I was crying.

And then I wrote this, because if I couldn't breathe, writing was the next best thing. And I knew I would have to face it sometime. So I did. I'm sorry if this is too lengthy or boring or depressing. I'm upset but I'm going to try and find something to smile about, because that's my word for this year, my motto, my mantra. Life will go on, and her spirit and memory will live on. And everything will be okay.


P.S. My blog apparently hates scheduled posts. I wrote this yesterday (Monday) and scheduled it for today around noon because I didn't want two posts in one day, but it didn't post. That's the second time something like that's happened. D:

P.P.S. I leave for the funeral tomorrow and will be gone until Sunday. I will try to post again before then but if not...you know where I am.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss Starr. My grandma passed away last year in February. To this day I still remember the feeling of sadness. You don't want to believe it's real but, it is. It's all part of the life cycle I guess. I wish you the best for you and your family.

  2. Don't worry, Starr. The feeling of depression goes away faster and faster every time a loved person(or pet, in my case) moves on to greener pastures. :(


    P.S. Soon the memories that may currently be painful will be filled with love. It's weird how it works out, but true!

  3. :( I'm sorry! My grandma died last year around this time too, but strangely enough, I made a ton of new friends that year. As they say, every time a door closes a new one opens. Hugs!

  4. So sorry dear! I'll be praying for you and your family. Love & blessings!

  5. Oh.
    That happened to me two years ago.
    My great grandma had been sick for a while, and one day, my mum told me she died. I didn't really process the information until the night before the funeral. I cried all night.
    So I feel your pain.
    And I hope you can cope with it.
    We are all here if you need support :)
    -charlotte <3

  6. :( That's so sad.I can't imagine what your family is going thrue. My dad's mom died when I was about 9 or 8 months old. My grandma has Lupus.
    ~Caelen :(

  7. It's all so sad...... I cried too my cousin

  8. I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your family.

  9. I am so, so, so, so sorry for your loss, Starr. I know how you feel because I've had to go through the same thing. I hope your life can return to normal in the next couple months. Death is a hard thing to go through and my prayers will be with you and your family.


  10. I am so sorry, Starr. I can't say I know how you feel {no-one ever does} but huge hugs. Don't pressure yourself into feeling okay sooner than is right--sometimes you just have to feel sad and angry and all these crazy painful emotions for a while. Cry if you need to cry, it's natural.

  11. My blog isn't posting stuff at the set time either. :/ wonder what's up with that.

    I really love your blog!


  12. praying for you and your family.. its so hard losing a grandmother, especially when you weren't expecting it. i know how that feels.
    <3 <3 <3

  13. Starr,
    I am so sorry for your loss. This really touched me, and brought tears to my eyes. I know the feeling, and I understand where you're coming from. Just remember all the good times, and try not to focus on the bad. Stay strong. :)


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