I DON'T WANT to set the world on fire.
It's one of the oldest adages of time,
that you can't put out fire with more fire,
and already our world is burning.
Already there is smoke in your lungs
from blowing out your birthday candles
along with wishes you have scaled down
so that maybe this time they'll come true.
Already there is smoke still rising
from cigarette butts thrown out a car
window by someone you will call careless.
Already there is smoke from fires
that originated in trashcans, originated in
gasoline rainbows, originated in mis-wired
electrical sockets, accidentally, unintentionally.
You remember the year of the wildfires,
of heat and no rain, well enough to know that
a world on fire is not what we need at all.
Something slower and softer.
Fire burns too quickly and I say sometimes
that I love the way the diving flames dance,
but when it comes down to it, I've
always been too afraid of getting hurt
to embrace something dangerous simply
because of the way it tastes like poetry.
I know people who will go through whole
boxes of matches just to watch them burn
but alas, I am not one of those people.
I was born a Cancer, under a water sign, and
it seems the stars themselves have deigned it
that I am not of them.
No, what I want is enough water to put out
the blazes that burn on every street corner,
fires set for love and religion and politics,
fires that are the aftermath of every fallout
of every argument we've ever had, all of us.
I want to tear the fire extinguishers from the
walls, to beat out the flames with blankets,
to have the whole world to stop, drop, and roll
in perfect unison, as if it would save us all.
I want the saving, and then I want silence.
Reflection. Nothing but hugs and hands and
soft but genuine smiles that assure us
that we can sort through the rubble.
We can rebuild the world and feel sorry that
we ever thought it was a good idea to take
matches to a sky that was already on fire.

estoy aquí

*cue that Shakira song* Yesterday's Spanish class was pretty great because all the sophomores and freshmen were gone for testing so it was just us juniors and we listened to music ranging from Shakira (started off vaguely related to Spanish) to Fall Out Boy. Good times.

Today I took the English AP, had a short break that consisted of running, literally, running upstairs to get breakfast tacos that I didn't even have time to eat until the next break, and then took the Statistics AP which didn't finish until 4:30, you know, an hour after school gets out. I don't really know how they went and I really don't want to think about it. I'm just going to focus on studying for APUSH because that's more my thing. #apushswag Three down, two to go. *takes a swig of whiskey* *if I drank whiskey*

Yeah, I guess that's a pretty accurate summation of my life lately. Studying and doing things to avoid studying. 'Tis the season.

Oh, did I tell you guys that a mere three days after I wrote my last post, I fell again? Oh, yeah. That happened. But it's okay. I got to go to the athletic trainer's and got all bandaged up and had another good "lol at my life" moment. My knees are pretty much healed by now -- not all the way, but it definitely doesn't hurt to walk anymore, which is a relief. The only thing that's changed is I triple-knot my shoelaces now. You just can't be too safe. Learn from my mistakes, children.

Other things:

As planned, I did not go to prom. Instead my friends & I had dinner at this Italian place and traipsed around town visiting different hotels ("breaking in" is kind of a harsh term when you can just so easily walk in through the lobby or through the gate by the pool, I mean really). I wanted to go to the roof because I just have this thing about wanting to go on roofs, especially downtown at night, but we couldn't find a way to make that happen, sadly. We did run into another high school's prom, though, and the people in charge or whatever thought we were students there. It was pretty funny and I think it would have been funnier if we had tried to go in.

Coffeehouse happened and it was wonderful per usual. Every year I just get so amazed at how talented everyone is and how fun it is and it's just one of the best events.

I did the Color Run last Saturday, as you can tell by my shirt if you can read backwards. It was pretty fun. I love running! (# things I thought I'd never say)

Right now I'm catching up on Parks and Rec and daydreaming about all of Sonic's new shakes. Half-off after 8 -- finally something else to look forward to in the summer! I don't really have a lot of plans for the break. I mean, besides traveling. Getting a job would be nice but it's hard when you're not home for the whole summer. So right now, I'm just looking forward to a lot of reading and cross country practice. And getting my license. And turning 17, but I don't know what I'm going to do about that since so many of my friends are going to be gone -- Elizabeth is going to Hawaii, Mayrose is going to the Dominican Republic, Sydney is going to China, Sarah's going to Germany, etc. (And yeah, before you start, I'm going to France but not for the whole summer.) I guess I'll just have to make new friends for the summer. Hahahaha.

It rained so much earlier this evening that I swore it was a hurricane. Thunder and lightning and everything. Cray. Oh, God, I just noticed it's after midnight. I'm actually really surprised I'm still awake because after those tests earlier I didn't think I would make it 5 minutes without falling asleep. But somehow I am here.

Just an update on my life so y'all know I'm still alive. How are you?

some people say they're clumsy and then some people are me

Getting hurt is,
more than anything,
a lesson in patience.
I started learning this the day I tripped on my shoelaces
for the second time in two weeks
(the first time I laughed,
the second time I cursed and cried.
Jokes get old pretty quickly).
My knees were so full of colors that didn't belong,
textures that weren't quite normal.
My palms were breeding grounds of blood and dirt --
okay for a child in the sandbox,
not so much for someone my age.
People would ask,
what happened?
and like everything else I'd smile, laugh, say,
I fell.
We all fall down --
that's gravity, that's life
but I don't see anyone else here
whose skin is such a tangible and vivid painting
of their own gracelessness.
Someday soon I suppose these wounds will fade and
instead of Bandaids I'll wear scars.
Right now I am still waiting for the pain to stop
telling myself
in between every breath
that in time all things go.
Even this,
maybe especially.