Tuesday, January 10, 2012

unhappiness (or, some deep thoughts for a tuesday)

Here's how it works. The amount of time I have for blogging is inversely related to my desire to blog. So right now, when I'm busy and should be working on homework, or at the very least showering so I can get to bed at a somewhat reasonable time, I felt the need to blog. Not that I have the slightest idea of what I'm going to say. I've started a few drafts recently and they all sort of deteriorate into me ranting about everything from school to cynicism. This might be the same; I make no promises.

I think there's something about January just makes me really depressed. At the very beginning, when we were still on break, I was pretty happy, but then school started and it's been on a downhill since. Sorta. I think it hit rock bottom yesterday when I spent a good fifteen minutes after getting home in the kitchen, agonizing loudly about how hungry I was and lamenting the fact that we didn't have any food. Then my mom came in and, perhaps in an attempt to put my problems into perspective, told me about this house nearby that caught on fire and exploded and killed someone. Like that made me feel any better. 

Then I started thinking about how it actually makes me really upset when I see other people upset. The same way yawns are contagious, I think sadness is contagious for me. Maybe it's that way for everyone, but I'm just particularly susceptible to it? Like, I read things that are so devastatingly despairing and I truly wish I could do something to help that person, but most of the time it's completely out of my control. We all have problems and we all have to get through them on our own. You can be offered advice and encouragement and all that but in the end the only person who truly knows what's best is you.

Anyway, a lot of people seem to be sad/stressed/upset/other negative emotions lately and I think it has rubbed off on me. So maybe this unhappiness of mine has snowballed to this point because it is not just my own unhappiness but the unhappiness of those around me which I have unwillingly collected. 

Today at school, for instance, I was literally just like "let me die." I really did not want to be there and I'm sure I looked it, too. I imagine I looked a bit like Wednesday Addams, you know, the one who never smiles. And later I sat in the waiting room for guitar and for whatever reason, tears started to form in my eyes. I wiped them away and didn't cry, but I could not stop worrying and thinking about everything bad. Then when I got into my lesson and actually started playing, I was surprised by how quickly everything else slid away when I concentrated on the notes. I never thought I was one of those people who's like "music is my everything" and I guess I'm really not, but it has definitely become more of something these days.

While we're on the topic of music (tangent: Wow, I have done an uncharacteristically superb job of segueing from paragraph to paragraph in this post...just thought I'd point that out as my posts usually could be read in bullet points) my new favorite thing is 8tracks. I listened to a playlist that was just Mozart and wow, it made me so calm, not to mention how ~intellectual~ and ~sophisticated~ I felt. I have an account there now and I may or may not make any playlists soon, you never know.

Whew. If you read all of this...I love you. Unless you're a creep. In which case, go away.

P.S. Mayrose, if you are reading this, I will put up the pictures sometime this week, probably Friday.


  1. Sorry you're feeling down dear. I suppose it's the mid-January-sadness that hits everyone. Don't worry, though, February is just around the corner... if that makes any difference; probably not.

  2. 1) That's terrible about the house :(
    2) KENDALL, DON'T CRY. I've had that happen before (not gonna lie, it's always a couple days before that time of the month starts), and it sucks :(
    3) Yeah, I think like half of our lunch group (what do I call it?) is sad right now (I cried myself to sleep last night because of something I noticed about my face that I'm not mentioning, and then there's Deborah and her blogpost and Claudia applying to MAC), so I can imagine it's rubbing off on us all. DON'T DIE OR BE SAD BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
    4) Yay, pictures! :D

  3. Man, Kendall, I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff. On the bright side, like Mayrose said, you can be sure nearly everyone else is feeling it too. I self-diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder, which basically means that you get depressed in the winter because (among other things) the chemicals in your brain don't respond well to the lack of light, warmth etc... I have no idea if I actually have it, but saying I do makes me feel a little less crazy whenever I get super sad in the winter. Although everyone does, disorder or no. What helps me is spending a lot of time outside, especially in the sun and remembering to not take stuff seriously, especially schoolwork. It's bad to not care about school, but if you're sad you also need to remember that your health/happiness are most important and sometimes you just need to say screw that poo, I am riding my bike to get ice cream and not doing homework for the rest of the day. Anyway, I hope my rambling will help you...somehow...

  4. "The amount of time I have for blogging is inversely related to my desire to blog" - story of my life. like how right now I'm supposed to be studying for a test that starts in an hour...
    winter makes me depressed sometimes, too. hope you start feeling better!

  5. Everyone is crying in my class, unless they're laughing manically. It's crazy and overwhelming and I agree... Sadness is contagious.


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