Here's how it works. The amount of time I have for blogging is inversely related to my desire to blog. So right now, when I'm busy and should be working on homework, or at the very least showering so I can get to bed at a somewhat reasonable time, I felt the need to blog. Not that I have the slightest idea of what I'm going to say. I've started a few drafts recently and they all sort of deteriorate into me ranting about everything from school to cynicism. This might be the same; I make no promises.
I think there's something about January just makes me really depressed. At the very beginning, when we were still on break, I was pretty happy, but then school started and it's been on a downhill since. Sorta. I think it hit rock bottom yesterday when I spent a good fifteen minutes after getting home in the kitchen, agonizing loudly about how hungry I was and lamenting the fact that we didn't have any food. Then my mom came in and, perhaps in an attempt to put my problems into perspective, told me about this house nearby that caught on fire and exploded and killed someone. Like that made me feel any better.
Then I started thinking about how it actually makes me really upset when I see other people upset. The same way yawns are contagious, I think sadness is contagious for me. Maybe it's that way for everyone, but I'm just particularly susceptible to it? Like, I read things that are so devastatingly despairing and I truly wish I could do something to help that person, but most of the time it's completely out of my control. We all have problems and we all have to get through them on our own. You can be offered advice and encouragement and all that but in the end the only person who truly knows what's best is you.
Anyway, a lot of people seem to be sad/stressed/upset/other negative emotions lately and I think it has rubbed off on me. So maybe this unhappiness of mine has snowballed to this point because it is not just my own unhappiness but the unhappiness of those around me which I have unwillingly collected.
Today at school, for instance, I was literally just like "let me die." I really did not want to be there and I'm sure I looked it, too. I imagine I looked a bit like Wednesday Addams, you know, the one who never smiles. And later I sat in the waiting room for guitar and for whatever reason, tears started to form in my eyes. I wiped them away and didn't cry, but I could not stop worrying and thinking about everything bad. Then when I got into my lesson and actually started playing, I was surprised by how quickly everything else slid away when I concentrated on the notes. I never thought I was one of those people who's like "music is my everything" and I guess I'm really not, but it has definitely become more of something these days.
While we're on the topic of music (tangent: Wow, I have done an uncharacteristically superb job of segueing from paragraph to paragraph in this post...just thought I'd point that out as my posts usually could be read in bullet points) my new favorite thing is 8tracks. I listened to a playlist that was just Mozart and wow, it made me so calm, not to mention how ~intellectual~ and ~sophisticated~ I felt. I have an account there now and I may or may not make any playlists soon, you never know.
Whew. If you read all of this...I love you. Unless you're a creep. In which case, go away.
P.S. Mayrose, if you are reading this, I will put up the pictures sometime this week, probably Friday.