it's leap day

In case you had, you know, forgotten. Since it's the last day of the month, I thought I'd just post pictures and stuff from February that I haven't already. And also because I just wanted to be able to post on Leap Day.

This is what winter looks like a lot of the time here. (Mostly the first one.)

The spectacular sunset came for another visit.

Things are starting to come back to life. The beginning of spring is beautiful. I forget it, every year, but it is.

//After yesterday, I don't think I ever want to eat anything sweet again. It was my friend's birthday so we all brought desserts and I had two cupcakes, some German chocolate cake, some lots of apple pie, at least two cookies, and a lemon square. That was my lunch. I felt so sick afterwards.

My eating habits are, admittedly, strange. It's gotten worse with this no meat thing. My dinners have become smaller and I've kind of been substituting desserts for meat. Not to mention the fact that I've had two bowls of cereal today already. This is not really what was supposed to happen. Ohhh....ohhh well. I'll work on it.

Back to my essay and worrying about the future

paradise

when she was just a girl 
she expected the world
but it flew away from her reach
so she ran away in her sleep
she dreamed of para-para-paradise
every time she closed her eyes

That song is so apt to my life right now, you know? On lonely nights near the end of winter, there's nothing I long for more than summer. And not just a different time, but a different place, too. I found these pictures of Hawai'i from last year and had to bring them out of the archives. It's kind of hard for me to believe I was really there. It's like another world. Paradise. Whereas the one I'm living in now is more resembling Dante's Inferno...but we're done with that book, so I'm going to try to lay those allusions to rest. Hawai'i is the closest place to paradise I've ever been, though what I want now is not just some place beautiful. I want some place where I can get away from all the expectations people have of me, all the work and all the people who bicker and complain and bother me. That's the paradise I dream of. And that's the one that always slips away before I wake up.

And now back to your regularly scheduled posting.

january/early february in film

So I got my first roll of film back! I decided this time just to get the prints and not the CD with them scanned because I can scan them at home. Only I didn't realize that regular scanners are pretty dumb so everything is more grainy and the colors are pretty jank. (Jank is like the best word ever, by the way.) Ah, well. Here are some of my favorites.

Look, it's the moon!

Grass. Unexciting.

Pasta from a vegetarian restaurant. 

Berries. That are probably poisonous. 

Light & windows.

My room. 

Mayrose! From this shoot a while ago.

Claudia!

That's all for now. I'm still figuring out what I'd like to do with film, like, as opposed to digital. I think I'd like to shoot more people and places with film, more intentional stuff, and keep digital for the stuff I do every day, like still lifes, nature, self-portraits, and silly things. I'm not sure, though. Something to mull over. 

the one with lots of tangents

Do you want to know my biggest regret? Of course you do; that's what they always ask on those tags and questionnaires that float around the internet. Well, my biggest regret is not getting Hayley G. Hoover's picture or autograph when I kinda/sorta met her last summer. Truth.

Anyway, not only is she extremely funny but she writes stuff that makes me want to be a better person, basically. I love it when I read something that makes me want to do something, even though most of the time I don't, which is my own fault for being lazy, and then I feel guilty, a process which she also discusses. I am working on it.

One thing I am currently trying out is vegetarianism. Yes, I am giving up meat for Lent. This is super hypocritical of me because most of my friends are vegetarians and I've always been that annoying one who is like "Meat is so delicious om nom nom" and points out that herbivores are always the first to die in event of some apocalypse. (True fact. I learned it Planet Earth.) Well, I don't want to be the first to die but I do want to challenge myself, so yeah. That is happening. I guess I should, like, research diets so I don't die from lack of protein or something, but who am I kidding, I don't have time for that. (And here I am blogging...) I only really eat meat for dinner, anyway, and there are lots of things I can talk my mom into making, like soups and pasta and salads, that are vegetarian. Not fish or seafood, though. First of all, the smell of fish literally makes me sick and so I don't eat it, and second of all, um, fish are animals. The most important thing is that I can still eat desserts. Although, I have to inform you something I learned on Tumblr yesterday, which is that Nutella is not vegetarian. Do what you like with that information. It makes no difference to me, as my mom doesn't buy it any more!! (Definitely no ill feelings there. Definitely not.)

I'll be sure to keep you updated on my adventures in veggie land. I don't know what will happen after Easter, but I guess we'll just have to see then!

Man, my life is so exciting.

Speaking of exciting: last Doctor Who episode watched: Season 1, Episode 10
(just copying Kristina because I like being able to look back and remember when things happened) (this may be a thing, if you don't mind. not like it matters if you do.)

P.S. Oh, and in case you were at all curious, my next biggest regrets all have to do with food. Like the time I got animal crackers from the vending machine even though there were perfectly good Cheetos right there. The animal crackers turned out to be stale and I could have cried. Would it have been so bad to inhale a few extra calories for the sake of taste, I ask you? No, I do not think so.

P.P.S. Any of you folk ever been to L.A.? What are some fun things to do there? (not Disneyland)

a post about television

This will, I think, go down in history as the Year I Started Liking TV.

You see, for a long time I was the sort of precocious kid who hated TV and thought it was stupid and made you dumb and I was very proud of the fact that I wasn't obsessed with it. I watched Arthur in first grade and in middle school, I sometimes watched Ugly Betty before it ended. I watched Glee but mine was never the sort of passionate affair with TV I witnessed with other people my age. And I was perfectly okay with that. (I thought it made me special.)

But then, in January, everything changed. I discovered Downton Abbey.

I blame the internet, really, and peer pressure, and the unstoppable force of them combined. I kept hearing about this show, and I was bored, so I thought, what the heck? I gave it a try. And what do you know, an obsession was born. I am super-di-duper-ly psyched to watch the Christmas special tomorrow. I even had a dream about it the other night, although I know things will be better in the show because my dreams don't know what the heck is going on. Although I will probably be upset at the lack of Downton in my life once this season is over, I will be comforted in the knowledge that a) there will be a 3rd season! and b) I have a new show to watch now.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have caved and begun to watch Doctor Who.

It's weird what made me start, though. I hadn't even heard of it at all until I got to high school, where one of my teachers had posters of it everywhere and there was a club that watched it at lunch and everyone was talking about it, it seemed. But it didn't appeal to me at all. Then, of course, there's Tumblr. A lot of people I follow on Tumblr are obsessed with Doctor Who. I always just scrolled past these posts, though I became knowledgeable about certain things. I knew about the Tardis and Weeping Angels (which are apparently very scary) and I knew some names that kept reappearing. I knew, from Halloween costumes, that fezzes and bow ties were apparently a key part of this fandom. But even with all that tucked away, the show still didn't much interest me. I don't know what happened, exactly, to change that. But somehow, a few weeks ago, I found myself obsessing over some of the actors. I watched interviews, looked at pictures, and read articles.  It was ridiculous. After a while, I had the completely brilliant thought that maybe I should actually watch this show. Yes, I do things backwards. Deal with it.

So I went to my old buddy Netflix and before I knew it, one episode had turned into five. I'm starting with Season 1 (from 2005) and will attempt to make my way up to the present day. It might take a while, but the episodes aren't terribly long and you know me, I don't have much else to do. ;) And I've heard it gets even better, so I have many an incentive to keep going.

So, this is me, now. A year ago, I never thought I'd say I love television, but it's true. Obviously, there's a lot of rubbish stuff out there, like reality TV (I have a whole other bone to pick with that), but the trick is to find something that can make you laugh and cry and think and is maybe just a bit cheesy. And British. Clearly it hasn't been a successful show if you don't come out of it talking like the Queen of England Maggie Smith.

And that is an entire post about television. kthanksbye.

black, white and gray

I just wrote a whole post and then deleted it because it wasn't actually what I was feeling. It was all about being lazy and feeling guilty for not doing anything fun or productive while it seems like everyone else is. I do feel like that a lot, but right now I actually don't care. All I want to do is watch TV and eat popcorn and enjoy my four day weekend in a way that makes me happy. That's all that matters. 

Anyway, these pictures were taken a few days ago when I should have been doing homework. I guess I was feeling contemplative or something, with the black and white and graininess and placid expression. I don't know.

Going to go watch Doctor Who now, because it's a cold, gray day, and yes, that is a thing that has happened. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave the house. 

signs of a successful valentine's day

The number one way to tell if you had a successful Valentine's Day is if there are candy wrappers littered everywhere and your stomach feels like it's going to explode. Yes? Yes.

Also, like love or something but that's not really as important when you think of food.

I myself got a jelly doughnut, two pink cupcakes, many many assorted chocolates and candies, and some nice cards from my all too generous friends. Such as this one:

Happy Valentine's Day, kids. Stay classy.

sing a happy song

relevant picture found in my folders; from DC

Some days I'm just in a good mood. Here are some happy things:

1. Finding out an assignment actually isn't due for two more days.

2. Listening to songs that used to be your favorite way back when and still knowing all the words. (This playlist causes a) lots of nostalgia and b) lots of singing/dancing.)

4. Downton Abbey! ("We were a show that flopped." Cue sobbing. That show better get an encore.) I can't wait for next week. It's like waiting for Christmas...Literally...Get it, cause it's the Christmas Special...Everything gets so much better when I explain what I did there, however obvious it may be.

5. Having (IRL) friends to squeal about aforementioned TV show with.

6. Chocolate.

7. Four day weekend coming up!

8. Looking through pictures from last summer and looking forward to this summer. I'm possibly going somewhere exciting and there's a lot that's still up in the air.

9. Ummm...Tumblr.

10. Attractive people. (LOL NOPE I am definitely not going to specify whom I'm talking about.)

11. Eleven. Is my favorite number.

Go have a dance party.

we were born to die

I don't know what season it is any more.

Wow, I am really pale, aren't I? I look like freaking Edward Cullen. I think the picture's definitely a little overexposed, because there is no way I am that translucent. It is February, but come on. This is not okay.

I am floating. No, really.

Things of note: I'm going to get my first roll of film developed this weekend! Also, go shopping because I neeeeeeeed some clothes and bum around watching movies because I am allowed to do that. This week was stressful. But it's over!

"Is it by mistake or design / I feel so alone on a Friday night."

things you will later regret

Consider yourselves lucky. If I ran to this blog every time I got upset, there would be nothing but a stream of capital letters and expletives.

Tell me, what is it about Tuesdays? What is it about February? What is it about today, the intersection of the two, that causes such misery? I was born on a Friday in July, you know. I was not made for this sort of thing. What is it about me, anyway? Why can I get in the 98% percentile in the PSATs but not open my mouth in an in class discussion? Why do I put off homework for hours just to complain about how bored I am? Whywhywhywhy.

All I want is to go to sleep (and never wake up). But that's not true. I want so much more than that. I want the beach, even with the sand that gets everywhere and the salt water that stings your eyes. Even that. I want anonymous cities, vortexes of libraries, Central Park in May, the desert sky. I want a tree house to live in. I want dumb things and intellectual things and gourmet dessert and gummy worms passed under a sleeping bag. I want everything unattainable. I don't know what I want.

e:  finished the school

looks good

 me:  awesome possum

i finished my will

i give everything to my cats

My tea went cold. I poured the rest of it into the sink, feeling only slightly guilty. It wasn't all tea. Some of it was tears.

In a few days I will look back at this and not feel the same way. It will seem stupid, dramatic. And then another night, a long time from now, I will read it and want to cry because that's exactly how I feel.

This song still makes me cry.

So I'm just going to keep listening to Bon Iver until I feel okay. It will come.

avalanche of sunlight

I haven't been taking as many pictures lately, but sometimes when the light is nice I'll go out on my porch with my camera and this is the result.

Today was a weird day. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary happened; it's only me that's weird. I spent forever getting dressed and didn't even leave the house at all. I read A Moveable Feast, which I am enjoying, and baked brownies and listened to Ceremonials, which I am beginning to memorize. It's hard to explain how I feel on these weird days. I just feel weird. I want to be someplace else. Sometime it is specific: a tea room in London, an aquarium, a cobblestone street, anywhere. When I am alone, I want nothing more than to be surrounded by people. And when I am among other people, I want nothing more than to be alone. Nothing feels right, not that or that and certainly not this. I am confused but I am inspired. When I get in this mood, the only thing to do is to let it ride out. And it always does. I feel more normal, lighter, already. It's true what they say. There's always tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl but I'm more excited about you-know-what. If you don't know what, that's okay. I'll pray for you.

P.S. It's funny to think that exactly a year ago today, it snowed. Today it was fifty four degrees (coldest it's been all week) with an avalanche of sunlight in the afternoon. I wonder if I've changed as much as the weather in one year. I'd like to think so, but that might be a bit generous. Then again, I am my own worst judge.