Tuesday, February 07, 2012

things you will later regret

Consider yourselves lucky. If I ran to this blog every time I got upset, there would be nothing but a stream of capital letters and expletives.

Tell me, what is it about Tuesdays? What is it about February? What is it about today, the intersection of the two, that causes such misery? I was born on a Friday in July, you know. I was not made for this sort of thing. What is it about me, anyway? Why can I get in the 98% percentile in the PSATs but not open my mouth in an in class discussion? Why do I put off homework for hours just to complain about how bored I am? Whywhywhywhy.

All I want is to go to sleep (and never wake up). 
But that's not true. I want so much more than that. I want the beach, even with the sand that gets everywhere and the salt water that stings your eyes. Even that. I want anonymous cities, vortexes of libraries, Central Park in May, the desert sky. I want a tree house to live in. I want dumb things and intellectual things and gourmet dessert and gummy worms passed under a sleeping bag. I want everything unattainable. I don't know what I want.

e:  finished the school
looks good
 me:  awesome possum
i finished my will
i give everything to my cats

My tea went cold. I poured the rest of it into the sink, feeling only slightly guilty. It wasn't all tea. Some of it was tears.

In a few days I will look back at this and not feel the same way. It will seem stupid, dramatic. And then another night, a long time from now, I will read it and want to cry because that's exactly how I feel.

This song still makes me cry.

So I'm just going to keep listening to Bon Iver until I feel okay. It will come.


  1. I'm sorry, friend :( I hate it when I have days like that. Where I just wanna curl up in a ball and block everything out, and I kind of hate myself. ...Here's a list of things to do that will hopefully make you feel better:

    Don't be too hard on yourself.
    Eat a pint of ice cream.
    Read a good book, or THE Good Book.
    Eat a pint of ice cream.
    Go to Pinterest and type "kittens" in the search box.
    Eat a pint of ice cream.
    And last but not least, remember you are not alone. =)

    Diary of a Beautiful Soul

  2. amen, amen, amen. I can totally relate... I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with everything though :(

  3. Once I learn to drive (I keep saying that...) we will go to the beach! And I'm only slightly offended that nothing is going to me in your will.

  4. You know, I had a day like this yesterday too (and blogged about it). I try to remember Proverbs 16:3. And I try to remember all the little blessings and nice things. I'm hoping this day is a better and more productive one for me, and for you.

    --Liz B

  5. I know how you feel :/ It's not fun.. but hey.. lets face the world and get through it. If I can do it.. you most certainly can.
    Love always,

  6. Kendall, Kendall, Kendall.
    I don't know what to say, but I would totes give you a hug if I was there.
    And Dar Williams makes me sob. I've been hearing that song since I was tiny and I still cry.

  7. the entire second paragraph? story of my life. tuesdays + february are the worst.
    hope you get to feeling better!

  8. Sounds like you could use ice cream... Just sayin' :)

  9. I completely get how you feel, sometimes things just never seem to be how you want them.

    But if you are searching for a beautiful beach, come to Australia, the beaches and sunshine is endless.

  10. my god, that is exactly how i am feeling.
    thank you for stealing my post words. :D


Hey, you. Be nice.