“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver
This week was hard. I was stressed, I was sad, I was hormonal. I cried yesterday, sobbing all the way home, from the first gas station to Chipotle to the last stop sign before our house. Crying for selfish reasons is the most pure, fulfilling kind of crying. It's really like emptying all your sadness. You fall apart, quiet as possible, in the backseat, and then you spend the rest of the night piecing yourself back together. It isn't all that hard, after you've finished crying. You eat something, take a long hot shower, and listen to something calming. You write if you're not feeling too emotional and then you go to sleep. A new day comes.
A new day in which to find new ways to fall apart. It'll be okay until lunch when you remember what Alaska Young said: "What you must understand about me is that I'm a deeply unhappy person." For some inexplicable reason, this line lodges itself into your mind and you'll repeat it over and over again until you start to believe it applies to you. Even though it doesn't. And in English class when you're supposed to be working, you'll write a long confessional stream of consciousness which you'll reread later when you get home and realize makes you sound very depressed. Even though you're not.
Yes, this was a week of failed physics tests, a pain in my calf that won't go away, saying things I shouldn't have said and having to deal with the consequences. Of feeling dumb, feeling like a bad person, feeling terribly, terribly alone. It, largely, sucked. But guess what? I've already made a list of all the good things that came out of this week and it's surprisingly long. And even though the good things don't necessarily cancel out the bad things, guess what else? It's Friday. It's over. It doesn't matter anymore.
Things are looking up and I guess I'm pretty happy, or at least happier, but right now I'm just going to go to bed. I survived this week, and now I'm going to sleep for 400 hours to make up for it. Ciao.
I love this.
ReplyDeleteI also had this kind of week. For some reason I just ended up feeling inexplicably human, and my own humanness frustrated me.
I hope things start looking up for you soon.
Sorry you had a rough week :( Hope things get better from here
ReplyDeleteCrying for selfish reasons is the most pure, fulfilling kind of crying. It's really like emptying all your sadness. You fall apart, quiet as possible, in the backseat, and then you spend the rest of the night piecing yourself back together. It isn't all that hard, after you've finished crying. You eat something, take a long hot shower, and listen to something calming. You write if you're not feeling too emotional and then you go to sleep. A new day comes.
ReplyDeleteTHIS! i had that night the other day. but by morning i was fine. until later. but that's not the point. thanks for sharing this and being honest with us. i like when i feel like people "get it". Oh and your whole second paragraph is so me. I often write or make comments that make me sound depressed when that couldn't be further from the truth. anyways. enough of my rambling. just thank you. and thanks for sharing. i hope your friday and weekend is great! xx
this is exactly how i felt last week and i had no clue how to say it. but hey, it gets better and sleeping for 400 hours helps immensely!
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