Monday, August 12, 2013

how to miss someone

step 1. care about them. a note before you proceed any further: this is dangerous. crucial, but dangerous. and like many dangerous things, it is just going to happen whether you like it or not, screw all your precautions. you don't have to know someone very long for this to happen -- I don't think you even have to have met them. you've just got to kind of see some light in them. so, yes, care about them. spend time with them. laugh with them, work with them, go places with them. and oh, God, let them do nice things for you. this is killer. cultivate an image of them in your mind. imagine they fill some sort of secret space inside of you. care.

step 2a. and then: say goodbye. cry.

step 2b. or: don't say goodbye. slip away. cry harder.

step 3. leave. or wait for them to leave. for how long is irrelevant because time is irrelevant when you miss someone. so is how far away they are. they could be across the street but you can still miss them because they're not with you. that's what this is about. there are no other rules. step three: imagine, in their absence, that some part of you is empty.

step 4. run over all your memories of them, one by one, like a montage in a movie only you can see. the happier they made you, the more you will miss them. guaranteed.

step 5. listen to pink floyd's "wish you were here" when it comes on the radio on the way to the airport. feel like a giant cliche; cry some more. don't sleep at night -- or rather, don't come home until 1 a.m. because it's so much easier to fall asleep that way. drive down streets past places you've been with them and note how they've altered your whole sense of geography.

step 6. wonder what they are doing right now and know that it's probably something wonderful and life-changing that they deserve. selfishly allow yourself to wish they were here doing nothing -- doing anything -- with you instead. concede your loneliness. concede that sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. concede you'd rather go grocery shopping with them than go to Paris or meet your favorite celebrity or win a million dollars.

step 7. by now you miss them, huh? I told you caring was dangerous. like love. and I don't think it's altogether wrong to say I miss you is another form of I love you. maybe that's why those words were always hard to say. like love and maybe some regret, some sadness. I love you, come back to me.

I miss you.

(something I wrote the other night in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep. I get really melodramatic at night. but still. I don't know how many more goodbyes I can handle, even the ones that aren't my own. I'm ready for reunions.)


  1. NO. i can't. i just. no.
    literally this is all i've felt for the past 2 months can we nAHT do this today.
    oh my gosh i miss them so much.
    i am so done.
    i'm bookmarking this.
    i'm going to get fattening food and then read it again.
    ugh this is so great quit.

  2. Don't be ashamed of being melodramatic in the early hours of morning. This is honest.

  3. I am in love
    and full of missing

  4. Ow. Owww. That hurts, Kendall.
    But, yeah. I needed to know I wasn't the only one.
    You're fantastic.

  5. Wow... This is just..
    You're amazing.

  6. Hi, Kendall. I was curious if we could annihilate step seven, why not remember that person and not miss them? could that be possible? I think we all need to do a little soul searching to find out, but what if you kept alive the memories and slowly stopped missing them at the same time? I know I ask far too many questions, but I've been missing the only person I could call best friend, but now I'm stuck between two realms of missing and not wanting to miss [her] anymore.

    1. I've always thought about like this: if you love someone, then you miss them, and if you don't miss them, then maybe you don't love them as much as you thought you did. But. Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in your own life that you don't have time to feel sad about it and that doesn't mean you love them any less. Maybe it's just a matter of redefining the word: I think you can get to a place where missing doesn't have to be sad, at least all the time. You'll still *miss* them, but you can look back on memories fondly and be okay with where things are now. I think that's how I feel about some people now, but it took a long time to get there. So maybe you're onto something. Or maybe getting stuck between those two realms is the best we can hope for. (I don't think I have enough experience to say. All I have are these feelings.)

  7. My goodness, this is relevant. Almost exactly how I enduring the last couple of weeks. The hardest part is when you don't realise the emotional connection until it is too late, when it is the missing that makes you realise the feelings. So hard, but perfectly captured.


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