Friday, June 07, 2013

all apologies (sorry/not sorry)

I'm sorry I didn't throw away my empty container of leftover pancakes tonight and instead left it on the counter for you to deal with.
I'm sorry I do that a lot.
I'm sorry I don't always answer the phone or respond to texts on time.
I'm sorry that sometimes I flinch at human touch and I don't know why.
I'm sorry I don't always look up when you talk to me and that sometimes I have to leave the room so I don't smack someone.
I'm sorry that there have been times I haven't left soon enough.
I'm sorry I'm so strange and weird in ways that aren't always endearing.
I'm sorry I get so attached and that I can't stop staring.
I'm sorry I act elitist about things I have no right to act elitist about.
I'm sorry that everything is such a big deal to me. 
I'm sorry that I never seem to be on time to anything anymore and that I don't care.
I'm sorry I look in the mirror too often; I'm sorry for my vanity, but not really.
I'm sorry for all the things I said to be funny that weren't funny. 
I'm sorry that there will always be things I cannot tell you, even when I want nothing more than for you to breathe the same truths as I do.
I'm sorry I always try to make everything into a story or a poem.
I'm sorry for my temper, for the hole in your door you still haven't fixed and for the paint on your jacket which I still believe was partially fair payback.
I'm sorry that silent love can't ever be enough.
I'm sorry, every time, for all the things I did not say that could have changed everything (I could have changed everything).
I'm sorry that sometimes I have to excuse myself from the table to write something down, and I'm sorry that I get jealous unfairly of people who aren't afflicted by this constant need to divulge and document.
I'm sorry that the future makes me panicky and that I can't listen to people talk about their plans without some sort of a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I'm sorry I'm so selfish, pure and simple.
I'm sorry that my unwillingness to let go can get in the way of my being happy and excited for the future.
I'm sorry that sometimes I listen to sad songs when I'm not even sad, simply because I like the predictability of crying.

I'm sorry I'm so liberal with my apologies when all I want is to be one of those people who is so unapologetically herself.

6 comments:

  1. "I'm sorry that sometimes I have to excuse myself from the table to write something down, and I'm sorry that I get jealous unfairly of people who aren't afflicted by this constant need to divulge and document."

    Your writing gets me every. single. time. This is awesome, Kendall. So real and raw and TRUE.

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  2. I am speechless. I found myself nodding right along with some of these.
    I'm sorry too, sometimes...

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  3. you know, i feel like i should respond in some other way with an epic response than just saying this great. but really all i have right now is: wow. your writing always hits a home run.

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  4. Breathing almost hurts right now. Wow. You hold such incredible sway with your words. Thank you.

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  5. this is just incredible.

    wow.

    i wish i had something wonderful and profound to say but...just...wow.

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Hey, you. Be nice.