I think one of my favorite feelings is when you're all fresh and clean from just showering but you can still kinda smell the sun on your skin from being outside earlier and you have the whole house to yourself and it's flooded with light and you're listening to happy music and even though you have a lot of work to do, you know everything is a-okay.
That's me right now.
Saturdays are nice. I am re-learning how to be by myself. Somewhere in the past several months I lost the art of being alone. I got it all tangled up with feelings of sadness and lying on the carpet listening to music hoping it would change my mood and endless boredom but that's where I got it wrong. Being alone is great when you don't feel lonely. When you do, the two become synonyms, and you need a nice weekend like this to differentiate them again.
Last night I found myself walking home from H-E-B by myself, in the dark. It was after the sun had gone down but before everyone was asleep. It's the time of the day you can walk in the middle of the street and hum to yourself and it won't occur to you until later that it feels like being free. My feet hurt but that's the only pain I really felt in that moment. And I realized something else as I turned the corner for home. It's in these unexpected, out of the ordinary moments, breaks from the same routine, that I am truly aware I am alive. Most of the time I'm caught up in the motions of everyday, not unhappily but not entirely aware. Sometimes it takes finding yourself walking back from the grocery store on a Friday night, looking at the stars with a song in your heart, to remember this life.
I'd like to believe these moments will all add up to something later. That I'll look back and reread everything that happened, everything I did and felt, and it will all make sense. That I will see all the days as steps that lead to a bigger plot, to a larger story, a whole life. I am trying to do that now but it doesn't always work out because maybe I'm still in the middle of it.
A small fact about me, which you may have picked up on from reading my blog, is that I can't ever really stop thinking about how things change. This time last year, this time next year. Beginnings, endings, and everything in between. I am just trying to sort my way through my history, past and present, trying to chart a chronology to see how I got here but my heart is a broken compass, spinning around and around because it doesn't know where it is or what it wants or anything.
Time passes so fast. It's hard to believe it's already April when it was just September. It's hard for me to stop thinking about the future but even so I am trying to enjoy the present, because it is happening. Regardless of what has happened and what will happen. This is my life now. It is happening. And it is good. Fleeting, but good.
(Obviously, I'm not going to do BEDA this year but I will blog more than 6 times this month. Starting now.)