motivation

I have such a problem with motivation that even when it comes to writing a post about it, I just can't bring myself to do it without a million breaks for procrastination and second-guessing all my arguments umpteen times. In fact, I have a problem motivating myself when it comes to pretty much everything. I have so much I want to do, but I can't seem to get off my butt and actually do it. It's bad because I know that if I only put more effort into these things -- school, relationships, hobbies, everything, really -- I would yield better results. I want it to happen, but I don't want to actually do it. What's stopping me? I don't know if it's because a) I'm too scared of what might happen if I tried, b) I'm just pure lazy, c) I inherently don't care enough to bother (or, alternatively, I've convinced myself it's not important and so I subsequently don't care), or some mix of those. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter the reason for my being this way as much as the fact that I am, and I wish I weren't.

I need to make myself do the things I said I would: go running, cook that meal, practice guitar more, be more open, try new things. It's so easy just to spend day after day moping about the house but after a while I start to want something a little more fulfilling. And I mean, I say that, but nothing ever changes. How does one go about motivating oneself? How do you finally put your foot down and stop making excuses and force yourself to take the first step? And does anyone else even have this problem, because it seems like everyone else my age is taking college classes or has a job or an internship or a super-active social life or at least some sort of lead on what they are going to be doing with their life and I...don't?

I'd like for this to be some sort of resolution, that I am writing this and then I am going to do my best to improve myself! But I don't know if that's going to happen. It's certainly not going to happen overnight. It might take a lifetime of just saying 'yes' to things to doing things that might be a little nerve-wracking at first, to focusing on the reward in order to make it through the tough parts, to just trying things and failing sometimes but not caring as long as I'm doing something. I don't know. I have to hold myself accountable somehow, and that's almost harder than having to hold other people accountable, because it's easier to convince yourself and trick yourself and make excuses.

I'm not super ambitious -- I don't want to change the world or be disgustingly rich or even wildly successful at anything. I just want to be happy. And I know that I feel happier when I have accomplished something, however small.