Saturday, May 26, 2012

growing up (i don't know)

The end of the school year always finds me rather sentimental and nostalgic, even more so than usual. I cried on my last day of kindergarten. I don't even know what I'm going to do on my last day of high school. Lately I've been thinking about ~growing up~ and how it seems to come in little surprising spurts. When I was younger, I was so afraid of growing up and getting old and I don't know, all that stuff. But now it's happening all around me and it's unavoidable and, yeah, it's bittersweet.

It's like when you see your friend driving a car and it's just so strange and surreal but it hits you harder than all those Facebook statuses about being a licensed driver and all those obligatory "Don't run anyone over! LOL" comments.

And when you're talking about things and you're like, wow, I feel like an actual teenager, which is weird because when you were a kid teenagers were always this unattainable standard and now you're realizing that of course it's not like that -- but at the same time, it kind of is.

Like when you're sitting at a coffee shop with your friend and you're actually drinking coffee and studying for finals and feeling really sophisticated but at the same time really vulnerable as you lay crumpled dollar bills on the counter and give the cashier a nervous smile.

Like when your parents decide to get a new car and get rid of the van you've had for ten years, which is maybe not something you should maybe feel sad about but the more you think about how you're never going to see that familiar green minivan ever again, the more it seems like a metaphor for your childhood and the closer you are to wanting to cry. Because the new car is nice and has a sunroof but it smells like a rental car and the leather isn't comfortably worn in and the seatback pockets aren't filled with a menagerie of random items like they used to be.

And suddenly you're at a graduation party (or at least, the remnants of one) and you're thinking how in two years, that will be you graduating, which is crazy because two years ago was the end of eighth grade and that seems like just yesterday.

It's all happening so fast. I feel like my life is an exponential equation and it's been picking up speed since I was born and I'm just accelerating towards death. Maybe that's a morbid way of putting it but it's the truth. These thoughts are terrifying but they only seem overwhelming if you think about them. So I try not to.


  1. I've been there and I can say that you're not alone in how you're feeling!
    It's such an unfamiliar step towards something even more unfamiliar. But I can say to you, after travelling Europe with a friend and having my first year of Uni, if you take advantage of 'growing up' it can only get better.

    Good luck with everything :)

  2. this is sooooo beautiful!! What a great job you have done!!! :)


  3. this is a really great and interesting way to put it all!

  4. Oh man, now I feel like crying. I can totally see where you're coming from and also have no idea how I'll make it through graduation (in two years time of course) without crying hysterically. It's crazy how fast time really does go.

  5. I can totally relate. What an odd thing time is.

  6. I share your feelings, Kendall! Your words are so true!
    As for me, I,m leaving school next year and that,s totally unbelievable, I will cry.. It,s not about feeling nostalgic about classmates, it,s all about my childhood, it was like yesterday that I went to school for the first time.

    Thank you for this post!

  7. I really agree with you! I literally just had my last day of official school sad! But it was amazing. It seriously creeps up on you. Enjoy your school years!! :)

    Gina X

  8. This is everything I've been feeling. I feel just so overwhelmed by the fact that in two years time I'll be sitting my GCSEs and that will decide my entire future. Scary.
    And worse is that I actually want to leave. We were discussing sixth form and I was admant that I would only apply to schools a bus-ride away at least. None within walking/biking distance. They had to be something new. I'm sick of my school and I've only been there three years. I can't take another two-year course on top of that.
    And it's like, I'm totally confused because part of me is desperate to move on and do stuff and be A Grown Up Person but then part of me wants to be little and not knowing about Grown Up People Stuff and aaagh.

  9. this post is all... yes. just yes. I can totally relate. and I'm glad there's someone else out there who feels this way... I always tell my friends that I'm going to cry at graduation and they just laugh at me. but I really am.

  10. this is so true, and so beautifully written.

  11. I realised I was asking a stupid question about whether your name was a pen name >< (Or was it not?)
    Anyway, I really liked your posts and it was insightful to see your opinions and thoughts. I hope I can write like you someday :)
    A question (randomly thought up): Do you consider yourself to be a sociable person?

    1. Thank you! Sorry for not answering before, but yes, Kendall is my real name. :)
      And as for the other question...I'm not sure. I've always considered myself to be pretty introverted but lately I've been realizing that being around people actually makes me happier than just being by myself. I'm not sure what that means. So, I don't know!


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