now it's summer

Yesterday after school let out some friends and I walked around what is affectionately known as the Drag. It's nice because most of the college students have gone home so it wasn't too crowded or anything.

The first order of business was lunch. Most of my friends are vegetarians, interestingly enough, so I don't have to feel weird about getting tofu or whatever. Mhm, tofu.

Dessert was Vietnamese shaved ice. It had three flavors of ice cream and lots of fruit on top of sweet ice. You might not be able to tell from that picture, but it serves about eight people. With some leftover. Man, I love Texas and its Texan sized servings.

I love this city.

We went in Buffalo Exchange and Urban Outfitters later and they have a bunch of awesome stuff but I didn't really feel like buying anything because I only like to spend money on perishable items like food, apparently. After more meandering in one of my favorite toy shops, we stopped next door where I had a vegan choco-lavender milkshake. Claudia said it was the most wonderful thing she had ever tasted. Mayrose said it was "pretty good". 

And now it is summer. I actually got 12 hours of sleep last night which was AMAZING. Happy, happy days.

summer list

It's summer! After one period of Nutella, arm-wrestling, and Finding Nemo, and another one of my Pre-Cal final, I'm finally free. I've been brainstorming things I want to do this summer for several weeks now. I probably won't get to do everything but, you know, I like making lists.

• go ziplining
• see the bats on the bridge

• take lots of pictures (digital & film)
• swim, duh
• go to a roller derby bout
• go bowling
• write some letters 
• turn 16
• have a birthday party?
• redecorate my bedroom a bit
• get my driver's permit finally
• go the movies
• do art
• (but avoid crafts at all costs (crafts are evil))
• karaoke
• go kayaking 
• bake lots of delicious sweets
• cook some healthy vegetarian meals
• be vegan for a week?
• watch movies on my to-watch list
• read lots of books (old ones + new ones)
• get better at Photoshop
• watch the Olympics
• go on the roof
• sleep outside
• watch fireworks
• go out to breakfast/brunch
• get snow cones
• catch up w/ TV shows
• babysit
• write a lot of words
• see a play at Zilker
• go to Dairy Queen and Sonic and other places with drive-thrus and milkshakes because that is pretty much the epitome of summer
• walk around downtown (totally just wrote "downton")
• have a picnic
• go camping
• stay up obscenely late because I can
• just get out of the house and see people and do things because if I stay cooped up in here with my family I will go certifiably insane
• oh yeah and BLOG lots!

growing up (i don't know)

The end of the school year always finds me rather sentimental and nostalgic, even more so than usual. I cried on my last day of kindergarten. I don't even know what I'm going to do on my last day of high school. Lately I've been thinking about ~growing up~ and how it seems to come in little surprising spurts. When I was younger, I was so afraid of growing up and getting old and I don't know, all that stuff. But now it's happening all around me and it's unavoidable and, yeah, it's bittersweet.

It's like when you see your friend driving a car and it's just so strange and surreal but it hits you harder than all those Facebook statuses about being a licensed driver and all those obligatory "Don't run anyone over! LOL" comments.

And when you're talking about things and you're like, wow, I feel like an actual teenager, which is weird because when you were a kid teenagers were always this unattainable standard and now you're realizing that of course it's not like that -- but at the same time, it kind of is.

Like when you're sitting at a coffee shop with your friend and you're actually drinking coffee and studying for finals and feeling really sophisticated but at the same time really vulnerable as you lay crumpled dollar bills on the counter and give the cashier a nervous smile.

Like when your parents decide to get a new car and get rid of the van you've had for ten years, which is maybe not something you should maybe feel sad about but the more you think about how you're never going to see that familiar green minivan ever again, the more it seems like a metaphor for your childhood and the closer you are to wanting to cry. Because the new car is nice and has a sunroof but it smells like a rental car and the leather isn't comfortably worn in and the seatback pockets aren't filled with a menagerie of random items like they used to be.

And suddenly you're at a graduation party (or at least, the remnants of one) and you're thinking how in two years, that will be you graduating, which is crazy because two years ago was the end of eighth grade and that seems like just yesterday.

It's all happening so fast. I feel like my life is an exponential equation and it's been picking up speed since I was born and I'm just accelerating towards death. Maybe that's a morbid way of putting it but it's the truth. These thoughts are terrifying but they only seem overwhelming if you think about them. So I try not to.

productivity at its finest

As of today, Thursday, May Whatever It Is, 2012, I have officially reached that stressful part of the semester where the amount of work I have to do and the amount of work I want to do are at, like, completely opposite ends of the spectrum. It's when I start to make stuff like this:


And this:


And this:

Okay. I'm done.

I'm going to have dinner and then tackle my Pre-Cal homework, make this Planet Earth powerpoint, work on my script for World History, and maybe solve world hunger while I'm at it. (Is that a thing? World hunger? That does not sound right. See, this is my brain right now.)

8 more days of voyaging to that godforsaken yet somehow occasionally entertaining but mostly suffocating institute of education (and plus some weekends).

you can't be a vegetarian and not like vegetables.

That's what my mom said. I said, "Challenge accepted."

Let me back up. As many of you know, I gave up meat for Lent. That was a few months ago. After Easter, I went back to my carnivorous ways for a few weeks before deciding to just give up red meat. That went well enough that the other day I made the executive decision to become a full-fledged vegetarian. My mom made potstickers for dinner, which I have always hated because they smell like death, so I looked for leftovers. Everything either had meat in it or required more effort than I was willing to give, so I reluctantly decided to just suck it up and have potstickers. Half way through the second one, I casually asked, "These are vegetarian, right?" to which my mom responded, "I never said that."

So that is the story of how I decided I was going to be a vegetarian and then promptly ate chicken 10 minutes later. #winningatlife

Anyway, yes, I am a vegetarian now, unless I change my mind. I don't really think I'm going to miss anything except maybe the BBQ we always have in Kansas City. It's a family tradition. Oh, and maybe Christmas ham. And bacon, though I don't have either of those that often. Wait, and pepperoni. Okay, I'm done. Other than that, there are lots of good substitutes and things that are better than meat that I can eat. I have several recipe sites bookmarked that I need to look through more thoroughly.

Now I just have to come up with a clever response to the inevitable, "Why are you a vegetarian?" question. My favorite so far is just to roll my eyes and say, "Because I feel like it, GOSH." It's really the most accurate, too. Why did I decide to become a vegetarian? Why did you decide to suddenly start caring about my dietary choices?

That's what I thought.

(I mean, I do have legitimate reasons. I just prefer to work on perfecting my art of avoiding questions.)

i hate wordless posts

I really do.

(But I just wanted to post some pictures without saying anything so whatever.)

and the countdown begins.

There's something like sixteen days left of school (not including weekends). I woke up this morning with a deep desire never to go back again. So I thought up this list. Here's how I plan on surviving until summer comes.

1. Stock up on essentials: mint gum, tea, and brownie-cookie-mix are all vital for any attempt at concentration.

2. Listen to some upbeat, happy music to feel motivated. Now is not the time to be listening to sad songs! Maybe in a few weeks, after I see the grade for my chemistry final, but right now I need something empowering. Or at least something that doesn't make me want to cry. Right now, I'm loving Marina and the Diamonds. All her songs make me feel like I can do ANYTHING.

3. On that note, classical and instrumental music is really soothing and nice to listen to while you do homework. I like to browse 8tracks for mellow mixes. Here are a few good ones you should definitely listen to: Of House-Elves and Children's Tales, Most Beautiful Songs in the World (part II), & Constellations. So beautiful.

4. Paint your nails or do your hair or anything to make you feel ~pretty~! Just, uh, don't paint your nails on top of your math textbook, because, um, not good.

5. Stay away from people or conversations that make you feel stressed. People who freak out about every little assignment tend to make me start to worry as well, and that is not a feeling I like, so I try to avoid them or change the subject when at all possible. (I am a ninja at this. Except for when I am really loudly obvious and just say things like, "Shut up, nobody cares about what you got on the Pre-Cal quiz, let's talk about something else.") (Which works, too.)

6. Find a good way to unwind at the end of the day, provided it's not too late. I like to watch an episode or two (or ten if it's The Office) of TV in bed. It makes me happy. But do not stay up until, like, 2 AM watching TV on school nights. Bad idea.

7. Make a list of things to do in the summer. I have one in the works and thinking about it makes me excited.

Also, I would add 'don't procrastinate' on there but that would just be so hypocritical and also pointless so I'm not going to do that.

nighttime

Tonight: my sister's dance recital, Mexican food (incidentally on Cinco De Mayo), and wandering around the parking lot in the dark taking pictures. Being in the dark inside freaks me out, but being in the dark outside is one of my favorite things. I have no idea why. (Maybe it's cause of the lights...)

the peculiar melancholy of fridays

It's Friday. Fridays are for classical music, for long verbose poems about the inherent misery of the human race, for steaming cups of tea I only ever think about making. For a lot of people, Fridays are partying and going out days. But for me, even when I do venture out, the mood is still penetrated by a peculiar feeling of, well, perhaps melancholy is the best way of putting it.

Friday evenings invariably find me rather nostalgic and wistful. There's always been something inexplicably sad about this time of the week and I don't know why. They're lonelier than any other time, for me, maybe because they're less busy and the free time gives me time to think. And I'll never be able to explain how but that inevitably leads to the pondering of how small and large and simple and complex and overwhelming incomprehensible our absurd lives are.

It's the small moments that play over and over that make me feel this way. Friday afternoon, walking home, watching the neighborhood kids running barefoot through the sprinkler and remembering when that was me. Friday night football games in the fall, sitting in the bleachers, listening to the marching band as stadium lights puncture holes in the night sky. Friday, after dark, looking through old pictures and feeling sentimental, so sentimental it almost hurts. Friday bus rides home, the windows down, wind blowing in my face, listening to the boys across from me talk about football. Friday nights, laying in bed, listening to music, feeling the world spinning around me.

I'm not sad. Please don't think that. I'm quite content right now. Sometimes I just...I listen to a song or I read a piece of writing and I just sort of fall into that emotion, you know? I won't pretend like it makes sense.

To end on an up note, some things that make me happy right now: high fives, ice cream socials, seeing Ingrid Michaelson last Tuesday, buying new music, friend requests, No Pants Day.