roman numerals

i. I keep starting posts and abandoning them. I hate fragments; I like for my writing to be long and focused, but I don't have the time or creative energy for that these days.

ii. You can think of these as poems if it makes you feel better, or a list, or just one long essay chopped up. This is meant to be cathartic; we'll see how that goes.

iii. Right now I have a headache because I accidentally slammed heads with someone and because I'm an idiot. That's two things that need fixing. The first will go away with sleep and water; the second, I'm afraid, may linger a while.

iv. I've lived in this body for sixteen years and four months and two days and I still frequently feel like a newcomer to this planet.

v. It was cold yesterday morning (today, too, though not as much). Cold enough for boots and jeans and a jacket over long sleeves, but not quite see your breath, wear two pairs of wool socks to bed cold. Not quite cabin cold.

vi. Incidentally, they've sold the cabin. I haven't really thought about it all except for now, realizing that there won't be any more winters up there, and if there are, they won't be the same. Ordinarily, maybe, dwelling on this would make me kind of sad, but I am so done with being sad.

vii. Well, I mean, I would be if I could be. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that I'm done being sad over silly, small things like that, like changes I can't control. Instead of being sad about things changing, I'm trying to be excited about the new things that the change means.

viii. For instance: my mom just told me that today she bought our tickets to Paris for next summer.

ix. If we're really being honest here, talking about traveling to places like Europe makes me feel a bit uncomfortable because I'm all too aware a lot of people don't get that opportunity and it makes me feel like a spoiled rich kid when I say it. Or rather, other people make me feel like a spoiled rich kid when I say it.

x. Today my friend asked me, jokingly, what I did last summer, so I, jokingly, mentioned everywhere I had traveled, and then my other friend replied, with an edge in her voice, "Well, not all of us are rich." ("Yes," I almost said, "that's why I live in a mansion and am getting a car for Christmas and have had an iPhone since I was 13...oh wait.")

xi. I hadn't really been to Europe until this summer, and I remember thinking the same exact things about my cousin, who's lived and been all over the world. We'd talk and I was always surprised when she said she was jealous of me, that she hated moving and would rather just live in America.

xii. But I think I understand her now. Traveling doesn't mean a thing if you don't have a place to call home. I could visit every country on every continent and see the most amazing things but I'd still rather belong to one place than wander everywhere.

xiii. I dislike it when people generalize and say things like, "I hate everyone" or "I've lost faith in this generation" or other such ignorant and depressing comments. Maybe you've been annoyed by a few people but I bet my life you don't hate everyone. Similarly, just because some people enjoy listening to music like Justin Bieber doesn't mean that society is completely ruined and hopeless or even that music "isn't what it used to be." I mean, have you heard "As Long As You Love Me"? Chills.

xiv. Similarly, I dislike it when people say, "I hate this school." I don't know but I'm pretty sure that you don't have to go to school here. You applied to go here, and if you don't like it, you can leave, and you won't hear me protest.

xv. Okay, maybe that's a little counter to my previous, albeit, implicit argument that everyone should just love each other. But we wouldn't have this problem if we were all more positive, right?

xvi. I like my school, for the most part. People care too much about grades and freak out over small things, but I think they have a lot of passion and it comes out at events like football games. I like how for the most part we are able to maturely and independently handle situations. This morning, for instance, in physics, my teacher had to go to another class, so he just had a student run the class. He went over the homework just like our teacher normally does and then we broke into groups. A substitute came in about halfway through and saw the kid at the whiteboard and was like, "Oh, sorry to interrupt." I just thought it was kind of funny.

xvii. Forum (advisory, homeroom, what have you) operates more as a music history and appreciation class than anything else. My teacher basically just shows us a variety of music videos, and sometimes we talk about things like Field Day, which is next Tuesday. Today we watched/listened to this song and I actually recognized it because somebody played it at cross country practice a few weeks ago. Now it's stuck in my head.

xvii. Interestingly enough, I've been invited to three parties in the next few weeks, so I guess my worry that the social atmosphere was dying down or whatever was somewhat unfounded. I'm pleased.

xix. While we're on the subject of nothing in particular, can I just say that, "Don't be afraid!" is pretty terrible advice? It is. Fear is such a primal, irrational thing -- it's so hard to just stop being afraid of something. There's only one way, really, and that's to just to do it, to face your fear. So, I think that's a lot better advice. Be afraid, but don't let that fear paralyze you. Be brave, not fearless.

xx. I feel better now. I think I've said most everything I want to say for now, and it makes me feel good. My head still hurts, but it will go away. The important thing is that the blogger's block has gone away.