Monday, August 13, 2012

my mind is a garden

I am a tired bird today. I lay in bed willing my eyes not to clamp shut again, willing my head not to slump against the pillow and come back up with the indentations of a crinkled sheets once more. One nap is enough for one day, I tell myself, but still my body insists otherwise, reminding me that I have been up since before the sun this morning. Running, the reason for such an early rise, tires me, but it is nothing, I dare say, compared to the toll of babysitting. Negotiating with a seven-year-old who only wants to watch TV and/or a piggyback ride while simultaneously going bankrupt in a game of Monopoly against an eight-year-old who also wants your undivided attention while also trying to make sure the pet dog is not, in fact, going to kill an innocent neighborhood cat can be quite draining. (The dog may be the most well-behaved being in the house, I'm afraid. Myself included, perhaps. I try.) No, I don't think I shall have kids for quite some time.

Anyway, that's been my life in a nutshell lately, since I got home. Babysitting, and running, and watching the Olympics in the evenings although that, sadly, is over. Lots of routine punctured by some bursts of, well, excitement, I guess-- I had my birthday party last weekend and I'll most likely post about it when I get my pictures back.

I do think that I'm happy right now, when I can push the worries of the impending year to the back of my brain. Those thoughts of school creep up and stress me out when I should be happily enjoying my summer. I could be truly happy if for those nagging worries that never fully go away. Forgive me if this is trite, but I tend to think of my mind as sort of a garden. All the worries are weeds, and while there are some that can be easily plucked out, or remedied with a slight of hand, others are more deeply rooted. You can cut off the stems, forget them for a while, but they will grow back eventually. I'm trying my best right now just to cover them up with flowers, with nice thoughts of 'living in the moment' and all that. It's going okay...but I can't help but working myself up about insanely banal things sometimes.

Like reading. When I was younger, I was something of a voracious reader. I read a lot, but more than that, I was really invested in these stories. To this day a lot of my disappointments in life stem from the fact that my life is not a novel. (I say that in all seriousness.) I have always thought of myself firstly as a reader, and then as a writer, photographer, musician, etc. etc. A lot of my identity, how I define myself, is rooted in being a reader.

So this is why it distresses me that, lately, I can't seem to get through a book. It started with school, when I didn't have 'enough time' to read regularly. But now it's the summer, and I've been going to the library and coming back with five books, only to return about three of them unfinished. I've speculated the cause of this annoying phenomenon, as I do with most things. Did my attention span somehow become shorter, due to this awful internet culture of the 21st century? Is this just something that happens when you grow up? Is that why so many adults have to put "read 25 books" on their New Years Resolutions, a number I always found to be insanely small? Am I just reading the wrong books? I don't know, but it makes me sad. It's always alarming when something that used to be a rock-solid fact is no longer true.

I hope I can get back into reading. Everyone says (and they're right) that you have to read to write. Maybe there's some correlation between my not-reading and my not-writing?

I've been wanting to write here (or anywhere, really; just write in general) for a while, but instead of forcing it, I've just been kind of waiting the dry spell out. I don't really recommend this strategy if you ever want to get anything accomplished, but sometimes I just need a break, even from the things I enjoy. I want to get in the habit of writing even when I don't feel like it, though, because, really, not being in the 'mood' for it is no excuse. If I just sit down and do it, something will come. And it may not be the best something, but it's better than nothing. I think it would be good for me.

(This was a long, disconnected post. If you actually read it, you're cool. Thanks.)


  1. Okay random totally unrelated to the post (which I did read, and yes, I am cool): I HAVE A FILM CAMERA. It's older than me and was my late uncle's and then my mom's. So basically now we have to go take pictures together of pretty things that are worth my film.

  2. You should take a deep breath, relax, and let your urge to read come back slowly. It may take a couple of weeks or even a month for your regular reading habits to return, but maybe you need that time to focus on your own life and your own worries. Have an enjoyable rest-of-summer!

  3. You're cool too.
    I've not done anything this summer. I've taken maybe ten photographs so far this month, and I've gone out maybe twice a week? I kind of hate myself for not making more of it, and not creating more. And the excuse of not having enough time obviously isn't applicable right now because I have all the time in the world but I still say it.

  4. Great post Kendall. I don't think it was long or disconnected at all and I think YOU are cool too.
    Aunt Nancy

  5. Thanks! You're cool too. And this wasn't detached or anything - it was a pleasant read. xo

  6. Loved this post. You're pretty cool, too, I'd say. ;]

  7. this makes so much sense to me because my mind is all over the place right now.

  8. I could just get lost in your writing. actually, I do. it's so...ugh, I can't even describe it, but I can always identify with it SO WELL and it's just so...real. I love that you don't feel the need to follow writing "trends". you know? I just felt the need to get that out there.

    ps I'm with katie. my mind is all over the place too and this is just what I needed to read.

    1. Thank you so much, Carlotta. And everyone else, too! Your sweet words really mean a lot to me. :)

  9. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Sympathy! (You explained it much more eloquently than I've been able to, though.)


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