you've gotta be kind to yourself

"I want you to be nice to yourself today." I know you were talking about how I came to school even though I was sick, but I don't think I've been taking very good care of myself lately in general. I exercise regularly, I drink an insane amount of water, and I make time to write before I go to sleep to clear my head, but it's hard. I'm hungry all the time. I'm tired. Some days I'm too quiet; some days, when I talk, all that comes out of my mouth is covered in venom. I've cried in a bathroom stall and wondered if there was possibly anything in the world less dignified than wiping away your tears with single-ply toilet paper. I've looked at my progress compared to everyone else's and felt impossibly behind.

That's the worst thing. Colds go away in time but those sort of poisonous thoughts take root in your brain and have to constantly be cut away. It feels like no matter how hard I try, my grades are still bad, I'm still the slowest person on the team, I still have an extra bulge on my stomach that taunts me every time I look down. Some people have already received college acceptance letters and I still haven't asked my teachers for recommendations because I'm too goddamn scared. You want to know the real reason I haven't been blogging lately, besides not having enough time? This is it, right here.

And I see people who look like they have their lives together, and I let my weakness turn to bitterness and make me angry, and that is what I hate the most. I am not an angry person, most of the time, so why do I let my jaw clench when other people speak to me with such harshness? It all comes back to me. My anger, my failings, my fault.

I want to escape. Anywhere sounds nice: last year, San Francisco, my bed. But that's impossible. The only way out is through.

So I have to constantly give myself pep talks. I have to remind myself what is true: That I can do this, that I have done it before. That crying doesn't mean I'm weak. That I am strong because I always get through the worst nights, I always pick myself up off the floor and put myself to bed and keep going. That I have many good qualities and I am loved. That I am capable of doing this all by myself, but that doesn't mean I have to do it alone.

I want you to be nice to yourself today. Okay? Start by telling the truth. Honesty is a kind of cleansing, and anything cleansing is self-care. Let yourself be vulnerable. Tentatively, slowly now. Unpeel your roughness, your toughness, until it's just the inside left, like a squishy baby orange. We are all born soft, some softer than others. Some are bruise more easily. But we all have to take care of ourselves. Watch your favorite movie, eat some ice cream, take a nap. Treat yourself.

Remember: You are stronger than you think. You can do this. I love you.