this is what's been up

Yo. I'm gonna try this blogging thing again. For real. I mean it this time. I'm going to do my best to write a real post about my life, with pictures and everything. Here goes.

Okay, I actually have no idea where to begin. I mean, school's been keeping me busy, of course. You know, learning and all that nonsense. So have college apps, but we're not going to talk about that. I'm not going to talk about it until I get in somewhere. That's my official position. Bye.

There was homecoming last month. The dance itself was suitably fun in its lameness, but the best parts were, as always, getting dressed up and then going to Kerbey Lane afterwards for midnight pancakes and enchiladas.

Then there's cross-country. Yesterday we had our district meet. In terms of time, I didn't do as well as I'd hoped considering it was my last meet ever, but girls varsity got 3rd place anyway so I'm pretty pleased with that. (Boys completely dominated, of course, but what else is new?) Afterwards we all got lunch and ice cream and then went to a park. It was a fun day and I'm glad the season ended on a high note. It was kind of a weird season since our coach was out having a baby and the replacement didn't, uh, know anything about running, but it was still good, yesterday especially. I'm sure I'll miss it later, but I've gotta say, right now, it's gonna feel so good sleeping past 5:15. So good. And there's always track to look forward to, anyway. 

In other news, it rained a ton last week and today I think was the first day it was really sunny, albeit cold. I mean, I guess it's that time of year. I'm just still in the shorts-wearing mindset (when am I not, honestly) so it's kind of distressing. But kind of nice. It makes me excited for Christmas. I'm sorry.

Maybe it's the weather, but I'm finally not missing the summer anymore. While I love the craziness of being social that comes with going back to school, I think I love lazy fall weekends even more. Reading in bed while it rains and watching football on the couch and whatever else -- it's nice to just relax when I can. I've been taking a lot of naps lately -- it's how I survive without drinking coffee, I think. Naps are the best thing to come out of senior year so far. Sleep, when it's so hard to come by, is precious. I went to bed at 9:15 on a Friday night last night, for instance. This is the life.

So yeah, I'm liking fall alright, even if I haven't been able to appreciate it fully yet. Bring on the pumpkins. Let's do this thing.

*All photos taken from Facebook, creds to different people's parents. I haven't touched my camera since I got home from Seattle. What can you do?

you've gotta be kind to yourself

"I want you to be nice to yourself today." I know you were talking about how I came to school even though I was sick, but I don't think I've been taking very good care of myself lately in general. I exercise regularly, I drink an insane amount of water, and I make time to write before I go to sleep to clear my head, but it's hard. I'm hungry all the time. I'm tired. Some days I'm too quiet; some days, when I talk, all that comes out of my mouth is covered in venom. I've cried in a bathroom stall and wondered if there was possibly anything in the world less dignified than wiping away your tears with single-ply toilet paper. I've looked at my progress compared to everyone else's and felt impossibly behind.

That's the worst thing. Colds go away in time but those sort of poisonous thoughts take root in your brain and have to constantly be cut away. It feels like no matter how hard I try, my grades are still bad, I'm still the slowest person on the team, I still have an extra bulge on my stomach that taunts me every time I look down. Some people have already received college acceptance letters and I still haven't asked my teachers for recommendations because I'm too goddamn scared. You want to know the real reason I haven't been blogging lately, besides not having enough time? This is it, right here.

And I see people who look like they have their lives together, and I let my weakness turn to bitterness and make me angry, and that is what I hate the most. I am not an angry person, most of the time, so why do I let my jaw clench when other people speak to me with such harshness? It all comes back to me. My anger, my failings, my fault.

I want to escape. Anywhere sounds nice: last year, San Francisco, my bed. But that's impossible. The only way out is through.

So I have to constantly give myself pep talks. I have to remind myself what is true: That I can do this, that I have done it before. That crying doesn't mean I'm weak. That I am strong because I always get through the worst nights, I always pick myself up off the floor and put myself to bed and keep going. That I have many good qualities and I am loved. That I am capable of doing this all by myself, but that doesn't mean I have to do it alone.

I want you to be nice to yourself today. Okay? Start by telling the truth. Honesty is a kind of cleansing, and anything cleansing is self-care. Let yourself be vulnerable. Tentatively, slowly now. Unpeel your roughness, your toughness, until it's just the inside left, like a squishy baby orange. We are all born soft, some softer than others. Some are bruise more easily. But we all have to take care of ourselves. Watch your favorite movie, eat some ice cream, take a nap. Treat yourself.

Remember: You are stronger than you think. You can do this. I love you.