Thursday, October 04, 2012

it's my specialty

I'm sitting here in Delta, my free period (basically), a fact that has instigated some serious thinking over things like how much of our future is determined by our own action and how much is outside of our control.
Making decisions is not my specialty; never has been. I am indecisive and ambivalent and all too eager to embrace the duality and expendability of human nature, as evidenced by my last post. I can't pick favorites and I can't make a strong affirmative statement without tacking some sort of caveat onto the end of it. I can't choose between two things, so very often what ends up happening is I choose nothing. I choose nothing, and so something is decided for me. I don't know, but I've been finding lately that I'd sure rather do something I chose and have it kind of suck than do something that was decided for me and have it really suck. But it's hard.
It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. I can equivocate until my mind explodes and I'll never be closer to a decision. What's right, what's wrong, what will end up being the best choice? I can't see the freaking future.
Should I just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen, because obviously, it was meant to be, or should I get involved and mold my future with my own two hands and do anything to get what I want? What if I don't know what I want; what then?
Should I risk the comfortability of complacency for the possibility of greater things, or should I work hard for something even if it turns out it's completely wrong for me?
Is what's supposed to happen going to happen just by itself, is it completely determined by my own action (or inaction), or is it a mix of the two and you just have to know instinctually what to do?
Well, I don't know what to do, and I hate making decisions. What should I do?
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Sometimes I think some sort of higher power knows what's best for me and while I thought about it differently before maybe they really did pick the best thing for me. Or maybe I'm just saying that because I can see lights at both ends of the tunnel but this one is just a little closer to me, a little easier to get to. Maybe it's entirely contingent on me and all the choices I have to make. I know it'll be okay, no matter what, but I want to know if there's going to be someway it will be better than okay. Stupidly hopeful humans.
I realize this is quite vague and all over the place. Well....that is my specialty.
You know what's also my specialty? Lists.
Things that have made me happy recently:
listening to 90s music in Painting + cross country: "OH MY GOSH NO guys you go AGAINST traffic not INTO IT!" (coach leaves for five minutes and half the team nearly gets run over) (not me, though, I know how to cross a street!!!) +  visiting my teacher from last year +  this beautimous weather (most of the time; it was a high of 91 today so) + texting my friend on the bus home + brownies
Things I'm looking forward to this month:
ACL festival + football games + cross-country district meet (we get to miss school....) + homecoming + homecoming/spirit week + Taylor Swift's new album (don't judge, she's the best) + Halloween + seeing The Perks of Being a Wallflower + taking more pictures + hiking + sleepovers?
May it be a month of good decisions, or at least just some decisions. I think it'll be a good one. 


  1. Kendall please keep writing. And then write essays forever and compile them into a book and let me buy copies of it for everyone I've ever met, okay? Whatever you write, it is always what I needed to hear and somehow a comfort and a push at the same time, and never trite or cliched.


Hey, you. Be nice.