and it's hard to come of age

So there's about two months to graduation and some days I want nothing more than to leave. I'm sick of sitting in these desks, watching the clocks, waiting to go home. Wishing I was anywhere but here.

On these days, college sounds exciting. I can't wait to meet new people, to learn and read, to explore new cities and countries.

And then some days, when I'm happy, I never want to leave. I never want anything to change. I don't want to start over, not when what I have is already enough.

Some days, it is hard to think of the future because I can't imagine meeting anyone else I love as much as the people already in my life. I'm scared I'll never find anything better than what I already have. That's the scariest thing, I think.

Winter is hard, but I always forget that spring hurts, too. April and May taste sweet like summer but bitter like end of the school year nostalgia. Last year was particularly bad; this year, I don't expect anything better. It still hurts to listen to Arcade Fire because it sounds exactly like the sadness of spring and growing up and leaving your childhood behind.

For a while, I've been coasting through with a kind of apathetic attitude, but it kind of hit me this week. My last track meet yesterday, for instance, was a real kicker. It marked an end to the past two years of running for school, and yeah, I'm going to miss it. Mostly the people. It's them I'll miss, more than the adrenaline of the first 100 meters or the stadium sunsets; more, even, than fruit snacks or Snackimals. Wherever you go, whatever you do, it's the people that make it what it is. That's something I've learned.

This second semester senior thing is not as chill as you'd think, but it's okay. I'm counting down the days, but I'm also trying to enjoy them. Oh, life. It's so cyclical, isn't it? Wasn't I just talking about the same exact thing last year? Feelings come and go and then they come back again, when you don't expect them. I never even know what's going on half the time. I hope you're all doing well.