Sunday, April 21, 2013

some people say they're clumsy and then some people are me

Getting hurt is,
more than anything,
a lesson in patience.
I started learning this the day I tripped on my shoelaces
for the second time in two weeks
(the first time I laughed,
the second time I cursed and cried.
Jokes get old pretty quickly).
My knees were so full of colors that didn't belong,
textures that weren't quite normal.
My palms were breeding grounds of blood and dirt --
okay for a child in the sandbox,
not so much for someone my age.
People would ask,
what happened?
and like everything else I'd smile, laugh, say,
I fell.
We all fall down --
that's gravity, that's life
but I don't see anyone else here
whose skin is such a tangible and vivid painting
of their own gracelessness.
Someday soon I suppose these wounds will fade and
instead of Bandaids I'll wear scars.
Right now I am still waiting for the pain to stop
telling myself
in between every breath
that in time all things go.
Even this,
maybe especially.

Friday, April 19, 2013

this is the soundtrack to my life

^Look at me being all high tech with a gif that I...did not make but love and really relate to on a spiritual level! Shout out to whoever actually made it, I'm sure you're cooler than me and will forgive me for borrowing your property even though that's the entire basis of the internet practically. 

The past week or two have just been crazy and kind of terrible and I don't think anyone who's been watching the news could really disagree with me on that one. First, there's everything that's happened in Boston, compounded by the fact that my dad is in Boston right now, visiting my aunt & cousins; there's the explosions near Waco by the kolache place everyone I know seems to go to; yesterday I learned that our neighbor, the father of one of my sister’s old friends, died suddenly. And of course there's all my own problems, like being sick (yesterday I coughed so much during my Stats test that my teacher came over and gave me a cough drop) and having a ton of work to do and accordingly not getting enough sleep. I've also been pretty moody and emotionally unstable, wishing things would stop changing and people would stop leaving. 

In a way, so much has happened that the last time I've written feels like ages ago, but in another way it doesn't seem like a lot has actually happened. That makes no sense, but I don't know how else to describe the phenomenon of time passing so slowly and so quickly at the same time, being so fully and so monotonous at once.

School is, you know, the usual. The past two weeks saw an increase in projects, which is usually why I stay up late, because I tend to put those off until the night before (and still, somehow, get A's), and just homework in general. As for my classes...Physics, physics is actually where I started writing this post this morning so nothing's really changed on that front. Painting is chill. And one day I'm going to write about the people in my statistics class because observing everybody is just what makes it worthwhile. APs are coming up soon which is slightly terrifying. I have one on the first day and the last day, and five total. Joy to the world.

Track is basically over. We have no more meets except for the people who are going on to Regionals and State and stuff. District was last Thursday, and I was there for 15 hours (still better than school), knocked a good 53 seconds off my 3200 time and got a medal. Solid day. I also ate my weight in fruit snacks and laughed a lot because the track team is good company. 

That's about it... Tomorrow is prom and I'm not going because none of my friends really wanted to, so we're just going to do something else together. I'll go next year. But is it weird that I'm still kind of excited to see everyone else's pictures? I mean, because you know they're going to be on Facebook. If someone goes to prom and doesn't post at least 20 photos of themselves dressed up, did they actually go to prom? Real question, y'all.

Aw, the world is crazy and I've done my fair share of crying about it this week but I think we'll all be alright. Going to end this week with a bit of retail therapy now because God knows we could all use a little bit of that in our lives right about now. (I said I'd blog more than 6 times this month but I didn't anticipate how hard that would be. There's still time, though.)

Saturday, April 06, 2013

"All is fleeting, yeah, but all is good."

I think one of my favorite feelings is when you're all fresh and clean from just showering but you can still kinda smell the sun on your skin from being outside earlier and you have the whole house to yourself and it's flooded with light and you're listening to happy music and even though you have a lot of work to do, you know everything is a-okay.

That's me right now.

Saturdays are nice. I am re-learning how to be by myself. Somewhere in the past several months I lost the art of being alone. I got it all tangled up with feelings of sadness and lying on the carpet listening to music hoping it would change my mood and endless boredom but that's where I got it wrong. Being alone is great when you don't feel lonely. When you do, the two become synonyms, and you need a nice weekend like this to differentiate them again.

Last night I found myself walking home from H-E-B by myself, in the dark. It was after the sun had gone down but before everyone was asleep. It's the time of the day you can walk in the middle of the street and hum to yourself and it won't occur to you until later that it feels like being free. My feet hurt but that's the only pain I really felt in that moment. And I realized something else as I turned the corner for home. It's in these unexpected, out of the ordinary moments, breaks from the same routine, that I am truly aware I am alive. Most of the time I'm caught up in the motions of everyday, not unhappily but not entirely aware. Sometimes it takes finding yourself walking back from the grocery store on a Friday night, looking at the stars with a song in your heart, to remember this life.

I'd like to believe these moments will all add up to something later. That I'll look back and reread everything that happened, everything I did and felt, and it will all make sense. That I will see all the days as steps that lead to a bigger plot, to a larger story, a whole life. I am trying to do that now but it doesn't always work out because maybe I'm still in the middle of it.

A small fact about me, which you may have picked up on from reading my blog, is that I can't ever really stop thinking about how things change. This time last year, this time next year. Beginnings, endings, and everything in between. I am just trying to sort my way through my history, past and present, trying to chart a chronology to see how I got here but my heart is a broken compass, spinning around and around because it doesn't know where it is or what it wants or anything.

Time passes so fast. It's hard to believe it's already April when it was just September. It's hard for me to stop thinking about the future but even so I am trying to enjoy the present, because it is happening. Regardless of what has happened and what will happen. This is my life now. It is happening. And it is good. Fleeting, but good.

(Obviously, I'm not going to do BEDA this year but I will blog more than 6 times this month. Starting now.)